…and the dove helped the wood dragon chop his way through a swampy oblivion.
On the way they met Ted Nugent in a swamp hunting Fred Bear, but ol’ Fred was with us because he said the nuge was unworthy to receive the spirit on account that he liked to shoot at penned in animals. And it had been decreed by the spirit of man that ol’ Ted live like insane Nebuchadnezzar, chewing grass like a cow but thinking he was eating meat.
Well, Whitey, the dove, he doesn’t give up on anyone, and he decided that if Ted could shoot him off my shoulder, or knock him off he could regain his senses before he died and not have to be a toilet attendant in the middle east for 5 lifetimes to reclaim his soul.
Now, since that meant I would have to lose Whitey for this lifetime i decided, you know, fuck ol’ Ted. And by the look on Fred Bear’s face I could see that he was in agreement. So Fred dodged into a hollow to draw ol’ Ted in, and when he went to shoot his arrow Fred disappeared and reappeared behind him and decapitated him with one swipe of his eternal paw.
After we proceeded onward for 49 days i noticed Whitey talking with his feathered friends, and so i asked Fred Bear what Whitey was talking about and he said that Ted Nugent came back to life as a hawk and was looking to kill Whitey in revenge because you know, Fred Bear was too bad ass for him so he decided to go after the easier kill.
Well, we came to a clearing in the pines and i spotted a hawk in the trees, and the hawk just started following us, keeping his distance. and one day i took my eye off him to navigate a sink hole and Ted swooped down and grabbed Whitey off my shoulder. But before terrible Ted could sink in his teeth into Whitey, Fred Bear let out a roar that could be heard for a thousand lifetimes, and it startled Ted so much that he dropped Whitey.
And when Whitey landed back safey on my shoulder Ted turned back into human form…and i punched him in the mouth and his dentures sort of hung there by the screws as looked at me and laughed. So i kicked him in the groin but it was like kicking a girl in the groin…he didnt even flinch. He made a leap at Whitey and lightning crackled all around us. Ted started shaking and yelling “no no no!” and a loud voice came from the ethereal distance and said “Ted, it is time for you to stop this nonsense. what is your problem? I gave you the gift of guitar as an adolescent and this is what you have become? What happened along the way, son? didn’t daddy pay enough attention to you as a boy? Now, I want you sit over there on that log, shut your mouth and watch and learn from Barnabas. You have over forty years of making up to do with the gift I gave you which you threw into the swamp as a 20 something year old. Oh, and for my sake, quit claiming knowledge of things you cannot begin to understand, like spirituality and guitar.