A Glitch in a Subroutine

“Why have I been summoned to Dirtville?” demanded the lord. “Is it so urgent that you cannot email me your petition like everybody else?”

“Sorry lord” said Jason. “ I didn’t quite know how to put it into words.”

“Then it isn’t the usual petition for money, avoidance of catastrophe, needing help out of catastrophe or to meet the girl from the Dollar Store?”

“No, it is more important than all of that. You see, I want a smiley face.”

“A smiley face?” the lord echoed in a slow sardonic voice. “Doesn’t your wife give you one on occasion?”

“Rarely. She doesn’t think I am funny, but she has no sense of humor. Besides, it doesn’t mean as much coming from her. I want a smiley face from people who experience me from afar.”

“People who don’t know you.”

“They know me, they are friends on facebook.”

“Facebook” the lord repeated again slowly and with sarcasm.

“Seriously, lord. Some of my friends on facebook know me better than my wife.”

“The ones who don’t know you know you better?”

“They do know me. We text each other all the time.”

“So they don’t actually see what you do instead of listening to you describe your own motives in your own personal narrative.”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind. What is it you want from me? I am getting a little weak to my stomach. Having to assume a human form I am subject to the weakness of a man’s senses. There is some sort of stench I cannot recognize of my own creation. And why do all the people of this town hold there noses in the air as if to keep them as far above ground as possible? I cannot locate the source of the stench, but it doesn’t appear to be emanating from the ground?”

“I have lived here all of my life, lord, and I don’t quite know what you are talking about. I just see people going about their daily lives.”

“Hmm” said the lord thoughtfully as he stroked his white beard.

“Anyway, do you think you could help me get a smiley face?”

“What do you want me to do?”

“Well see, I am a funny guy. I make up passive aggressive quips about other people, but I generalize them so they don’t necessarily mean I am talking about anybody.”

“And you think that is unique?”

“The way I do it it is.”

“I suppose that seven billion people are going to make fun of each other each with their own peculiar set of notions.”

“Oh, I have no notions, lord. I just like to make fun of people to get a laugh. That is what I do.”

“Ok.”

“I just need some divine inspiration. I am having a hard time distilling my quips into one hundred forty characters.”

“You want divine inspiration to make fun of people.”

“Well, yeah, but in a good way. You know, so they get something out of it.”

“Like what?”

“So others realize how stupid they are sometimes.”

“Ok.”

“I just need a good idea. My friends on facebook and twitter have been a little dull lately, and a little self serving I must say” said Jason.
“Ok.”

“Yeah, you know, with their self absorbed utterances and speculations, sharing their feelings and thoughts and then contradicting themselves.”

“Humans are contradicting by nature. Contradiction is an effect of speculations and inquiry. If you don’t change your mind once in a while you are an imbecile.”

“Well, ok, but that’s not exactly what the reverend teach us. We are conservative around here.”

“So I gathered.”

“Well, what do you think lord, about the smiley face. What can I say?”

The lord was perplexed and blew threw his lips making them rattle. “You got me there. Hey, how about you say that everyone’s prayers were lost in a memory dump and they would have to repeat them again tonight?”

“Hmm” said Jason “that is pretty good. “But how about this, I say I will no longer be attributing my good deeds to the lord but to myself, and that since I am now lord everyone should send their petitions to me.”

“Dude, you are a fucking genius” said the lord. “Your followers will be greatly enlightened by your genius.”

“I owe it all to you lord.”

“Ok. Uh, I have to go Timmy.”

“Jason.”

“Sure. I have to get out of this body before I get sick. Take it easy Jimmy. Oh, and have your app notify me next time you want something. I am the only one in the office and, well, if truth be told I should just be a behind the scenes IT guy.”

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