Oedipus Pex

Ralph received a C- from his 12th grade English teacher, Mr. Pinstikler, for ignoring Pinstikler’s warning to avoid using anecdotes for their short story assignment.

An egg formed in the universal chicken, begotten by godbecomechicken. Universal chicken laid the egg and hatched it. And then ate it. In fact, godbecomechicken got worn out inseminating universal chicken because universal chicken loved the taste of chicken flesh. But universal chicken was all godbecomechicken had to work with.

Finally, universal chicken hatched a chick whose flesh universal chicken did not desire. A rooster. And while universal chicken took care of the rooster she made many shrieks and clucks whenever the rooster was near. So the rooster, who could make some pretty fair shriekings and cluckings of his own, began to drown out the shriekings and cluckings of universal chicken with strange semi-musical dronings. The louder she got the louder he got. And when she was so enraged that she was spitting at him, he would dance around her. Which seemed to confuse her.

Before either knew what was happening they had a full nest of desperate and wailing chicks always looking for something to eat. Well, universal chicken noticed the rooster wasn’t spending so much time around the nest anymore, and didn’t seem to be helping out much. But whenever he was around more chicks seemed to pop up.

Universal chicken had lost the taste for chicken flesh and couldn’t find enough food to feed all the chicks that kept appearing. There was only one way out of her misery, she concluded. She must eat the rooster and then the new chicks would stop popping up.

So universal chicken eats the rooster. But then she finds that some of the chickens who like to make lots of noise and poop in the food and water are also roosters. Well, having eaten the original rooster, universal chicken regains her appetite for flesh and consumes as many of the roosters as she can. But there is a never ending supply of them with their loud noises, crazy dancing, and pooping in the food. She won’t ever consume all of the roosters but she is going to die trying.

(Young Mr. Hornpustle, did you know that the chicken was 99% sure that he would be struck by the same glaring, mesmerizing eyes appearing out of nowhere that he had seen strike and kill every other chicken trying to cross the road, but the need to get away from the nest was worth the risk?)

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