Big Dumb Narcissist

The Big Dumb Narcissist from Rockford, Michigan sizes up all the little wrongs to make right. He seizes upon a lone car in the parking lot, parked against the edge of a parking line. Big dummy sees the cop parked on the edge of the lot. Backup. With a grandiose smirk he carefully pulls in next to the car, two inches away. “He’s gonna have a hard time getting in his car. The sunnuva bitch. That’ll teach him. I’m tired of these assholes just doing whatever they please.”

A few minutes before, a man in his mid fifties pulled into the empty parking lot of the gas station and filled his tires with air at the air pump. Not wanting to leave his car parked in front of the air machine in case someone had to use it, he pulled his car up to the building. His mother was a paraplegic and used handicapped parking, and his compassion for the handicapped still made him park at the far edge of his parking space so as to leave room for a wheel chair accessible van to be used.

The man in his fifties rushed inside to get a cup of coffee, a total of 169 seconds, and when he came back out to his car a large pickup truck with a cap had pulled so close to his vehicle he wouldn’t have been able to get in his car if he hadn’t backed in. He stood and looked incredulously at the big dumb fresh blank face scowling back at him. The man in his fifies held out his hands palms up as if to ask, “what’s up?”

The big dumb narcissist gets out of his car with a smirk and says, “yeah, who taught you how to park? You’re parked way over to the edge of the space and you call ME a douche? It’s YOU who’s a douche!”

The man in his fifties is pissed off. He’s seen this act countless times before. He’d never said anything, the same unimaginative bully trying to pick a fight on the playground was standing in front of him 50 years later. This was just one of the many acts of narcissism caused by any number of the assertive individuals who make up the prison population; the pea brain that is convinced that it’s his calling to right all the wrongs he imagines that others commit because it is THEY who lack empathy. He is the kid whose father had a habit of trying to pound sense into junior but never succeeded because junior was too aware that papa was a big dumb guy who was used to telling people what to do and getting pissed off when people didn’t agree with his various stupidities. Papa didn’t like mama, she was always telling him what a dumbass he was.

“Come over here and I’ll show you,” the big dummy gesticulates and starts walking over to the parking line as if it is, you know, a real and viable argument for trying to start a fight.

“I don’t need to look at that. You have all kinds of room over there to park. You’re making an issue of that? I’ve got better things to do with my time.”

“There’s a policeman right over there,” says the narcisisst.

“Yeah, he’s gonna want to hear your bullshit, dude.”

“You’re lucky you backed in, otherwise you wouldn’t be going anywhere until I let you.”

“You’re lucky this wasn’t 15 years ago or you would be breathing your last breath right now.”

The narcisisst smirks and snorts. The man in his fifties is thinking that he wouldn’t be able to pick the guy out of a lineup if her were flanked by other featureless, bloated mammoths like the one standing in front of him. It was even hard to tell how old he was, like a beached dead whale, he couldv’e been young or old. The big dummy takes a step toward the 50 year old guy as if to spook him. The other guy doesn’t flinch.

“You’re lucky there’s a cop sitting over there right now,” the big narcissist sputters.

“No, you are. He is here so I don’t have to call 911 if you do anything stupid.”

The two narcissists stand, trying to stare each other down. The cop on the edge of the lot is pissed. He was completing the paperwork for an attempted robbery when he saw the two men jawing at each other. He knew it was a bullshit tussle, more than likely started by the bigger of the two, the one who’d pulled his car up an inch or two away from the only car in the parking lot. “Hey, you two, knock it off!”he yells. Both the men are at least smart enough to do that.

The guy in his fifties gives the big dummy a smirk and gets into his car while the big dummy steps quickly toward the officer. “But…”

“Zippit!” shouted the officer. “I don’t want to hear it. If you are going in to buy something, do it or get in your truck and leave!”

The big dumb narcisisst reacts like he’s received a sucker punch to his authoritative nature. “Hey, I wasn’t the one who…”

“Mister, I am about to arrest you for causing a disturbance. Now leave!” (As the writer I get to put this in because I cannot begin to count how many times in my life I wished there was a cop around to rid the docile crowd of the common narcisisst douche.)

The big dumb narcisisst gets into his car and leaves. Nothing was right with the world. It truly was going to hell in a handbasket and he wasn’t going to try to stop it anymore. A block down the road a 70 year old woman looks both ways and doesn’t see any oncoming traffic so she backs out of her driveway. The big dumb narcisisst, who is driving 55 in a 45 comes over the little hill and slams on his brakes to keep from rear ending the woman. “Goddamn shithead!,” he utters. “What the hell they doin’? Don’t they know…”

You know what, I don’t need to tell what else he said. We’ve all known and will contine to know this asswad in our midst and guess what his shitbrain was uttering until we decide to let doctors alter genes so we can eliminate this behavior before it is born. He sees a gray haired woman in a new car and pulling out of a driveway of a house he was sure had been paid for by undeserved means. He has to let her know she’s not better than him so he tailgates her with his bright lights for a mile.

The old woman had brought a sick relative lunch and cleaned the house. She just wanted to get home to make supper for her husband and let the dog out. And then pray for forgiveness for not thinking of others as much as herself and to ask god to mercifully put an end to a loved one’s suffering. “Why?” she implored her lord. “What does this man want in that car behind me?”

The old woman pulls her car over to the side of the road and the big dumb douchewad narcisisst stops as well. He’s going to let this woman know she can’t go around doing whatever she wants, and even if it is a mistake she needs to be more aware of her driving. He is stomping towards her car with the douchebag narcisisst sneer we are all so familiar with when he sees her reach into her purse. He stops short. She’s gotta gun! “This is what happens lord,” he is saying to himself as he runs back to his car, “for trying to set wrong things right! I’m gonna be killed by these sons of bitches!”

By no small miracle he manages to leap into the seat behind the wheel of his car and slam it into reverse before getting his head blown off. He keeps his head down as he skids and shrieks through a U turn and guns the shitty old chevy truck up to 85mph. For her part, the old woman, who has watched the whole scene in her rearview mirror while holding onto the cell phone she pulled out of her purse to call the police, stops dialing and thanks the lord for whatever madness he struck the big dumb narcisisst down with.

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